


Regret

by babybam



Category: HOTSHOT (Band), JBJ (Band)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Cutting, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Self-Harm, Taehyun-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-01-07
Packaged: 2019-03-01 18:57:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13301157
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babybam/pseuds/babybam
Summary: There was this something in Taehyun's mind that craved that. He wanted to remember what it felt like. Wanted to feel the pain.





	Regret

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! More angst! Oops? 
> 
> This is a sequel to [It was hard](http://archiveofourown.org/works/12994365) and you can read this without reading it but it probably makes a lil more sense if you read that first.
> 
>  **TRIGGER WARNING!** a huge trigger warning! this is about self-harming and it's graphic and blood is mentioned a lot so just be aware of that.
> 
> Let's go!

It was already late but Taehyun was still laying awake in his hotel bed. Sanggyun was deep asleep in the bed next to his, he had been sleeping for an hour already. But Taehyun just couldn't sleep, even though he knew he should. They were in Taiwan and they have a fanmeeting the next day and he should be well-rested. It was easier said than done though since his brain just didn't want him to sleep. It wasn't like something was bothering him, no, he just _couldn't fall asleep_.

As he listened to Sanggyun's steady breathing, his hand slipped in his pants ( _not_ to do anything like _that_ , you pervert) and started tracing over the scars there. It had been months since he had cut and it had been a long time since he had thought of the scars. Obviously he saw them daily but he didn't really think about them more than that. The scars just were there and he didn't mind them, though he consciously made sure to always wear pants reaching his knees and made sure to change clothes facing away from people. 

But

there was this something in Taehyun's mind that craved that. He wanted to remember what it felt like. Wanted to feel the pain. He wanted to see the blood trickling down his thighs. Maybe it would help release some of his daily stress and anxiety he had as an idol group member and a leader.

He flinched when he realized he was digging his fingers in his thigh.

 

After another ten minutes of laying and trying to sleep, Taehyun was still not falling asleep. And now he couldn't think about anything else than wanting to take one of the razors in the bathroom and make his thighs bleed. He shuddered at the thought, it sounded _bad_.

What if he'd just do it this one time. To remember. And then stop, he could do it. He had been clean for such a long time and it hadn't been a problem or even _that_ hard.

He quietly got up from his bed, making sure Sanggyun wasn't waking up. He walked to the bathroom, turned on the light and went straight to the razors. He took one of them in his hand and stared at it. Was he really doing this? After all this time? He hated himself a little.

He pulled his pajama pants down, just under his knees, and sat down on the bathroom floor, leaning against the wall. He looked at the white scars, there were a lot and it made Taehyun grimace. Just how hard had he been cutting his thighs with the sharp blades to leave all those protruding scars. Not all of them were like that though, most of them smaller ones, ones that were not protruding, only white lines. Sighing he traced over the scars once again.

 

He held the razor tightly as he brought it to his thigh. Without thinking much he pressed it down, and cut. It stung a lot more than he remembered and a quiet ” _Ah_ ” escaped his lips. But he felt somewhat satisfied (which made him feel sick, he felt sick enjoying this) and didn't hesitate to press down even more as he cut again and again. He changed to his other thigh as well until both his thighs were bleeding. He didn't make a move to stop the bleeding, just watched it pool on the cuts until rolling down his thighs.

After a while though he realized what a mess the blood was making when it reached the floor and he quickly took some toilet paper to clean the mess. The cuts hurt when he pressed the paper on them and he inhaled loudly. He kept taking more paper as the cuts didn't seem to stop bleeding, they were not too deep, he knew he hadn't cut any major arteries. But the blood just kept coming, it wasn't his first time experiencing this though. He knew what a pain it was to try to stop the bleeding and he knew it would take time.

 _Now_ he realized what he had actually done and he was regretting it, a lot. He will be wearing tight and rough pants a lot which will rub against his cuts and probably make them bleed again. It will most likely sting a lot as well.

He regretted this a lot. He had actually _relapsed_. It was something he hadn't expected to happen. He had been doing so well for so long and he had promised himself to never self-harm again. He never imagined he'd find himself like this again, he thought he was over it. He couldn't believe the thoughts he had been having just 30 minutes ago. He felt sick thinking how he had ”craved” for this. How he had wanted to ”remember.” 

Heavy weight settled on his chest as he sat on the floor, soaking the toilet paper with his blood.

-

When Sanggyun woke up the next morning he noticed Taehyun's empty bed but didn't think much about the leader's absence. He took his phone and quickly scrolled through the notifications he had gotten before getting up. He checked the time once more, 9:35AM. He stretched his limbs as he got up and headed to the bathroom. The door was ajar and the light was on which made Sanggyun frown. 

He nearly screamed out loud when he got to the door and opened it fully. There Taehyun was. On the floor, and there was a lot of blood. And toilet paper, soaked in blood. Sanggyun stood there frozen, not knowing what to do. He needed someone, the other members. Yes, he needed the other members. 

Without thinking he sprinted out the hotel room just in his boxers and ran to the door next to his and Taehyun's. It was Kenta and Donghan's room. He started banging it loudly, screaming Kenta's name hysterically. He couldn't get the image of Taehyun laying on the floor on his side, thighs covered in blood. Oh God, the blood. It had been all over the floor too.

 

Kenta opens the door and looks at the almost-fully-naked Sanggyun with concern. 

”What's wrong?” he asks, Sanggyun sounded scared? Hysterical? Kenta glanced to his left where Donghan appeared, coming to see what was going on.

”Taehyun hyung! Ta-Taehyun, s-so much blood!” Sanggyun kept rambling. Kenta froze. _What the hell was going on?!_

”What do you mean?!” Donghan asked, voice full of worry and confusion. Sanggyun didn't say anything else, just motioned them to follow as he rushed back to his hotel room. Kenta and Donghan followed him. He noticed Hyunbin and Yongguk's door open as well and Yongguk was standing there, watching. Kenta just shrugged, confused as ever. 

Sanggyun stood in front of the bathroom and pointed there, looking horrified. Kenta and Donghan looked at each other before taking steps forward to peek in the bathroom. 

Kenta actually yelled (screamed) out loud as Donghan yelled something like ”Is he alive?!” Due to all the noise Taehyun moved and mumbled something, telling them that Taehyun was very much alive.

”What's going on?” Hyunbin asked as he and Yongguk joined the rest as well. No one answered and the two peeked in the bathroom as well.

”Oh my god,” Yongguk mumbled. 

 

When Kenta was over his initial shock he finally realized they had to do something. Like wake Taehyun up and clean the blood. And hear what the hell happened. He kneeled on the floor next to Taehyun and pulled him by his arm to sit up. 

”Hyung, wake up,” Kenta said as he started throwing the bloody papers in the toilet so Yongguk could flush them, he had moved in the bathroom as well whereas Sanggyun looked like he was gonna pass out and Hyunbin's lip was probably gonna bleed because of how hard he seemed to be biting it.

When the papers were out of the way Kenta realized where the blood was actually coming from, or had been coming from since it was all dried now. Taehyun's thighs were _cut_. It made Kenta flinch and he finally connected the dots, a memory of what had happened some weeks ago when they found out about Taehyun's self-harming past. 

”He's cut himself,” Kenta said to the others, voice only a little louder than a whisper. Donghan gasped, Sanggyun paled even more.

”Taehyunie hyung, wake up,” Kenta tried again and tapped Taehyun's cheek. The leader turned his head away from Kenta. Yongguk was now on Taehyun's other side, having wet some toilet paper and tried to remove the blood from the floor. They were both looking at Taehyun who was now frowning, his eyes still closed. As Yongguk continued to wake Taehyun up, Kenta turned to the others.

”We need to disinfect these cuts, and we probably need bandages too,” he spoke and Donghan nodded.

 

”Hm?” Taehyun mumbled and opened his eyes. It was bright and he felt uncomfortable, his neck and back a little sore. He looked around a little confused when he realized that he was in the bathroom. That he had been sleeping on the bathroom floor. _Why?_

Then last night's events came back to his mind and he grimaced.

”Hyung?” someone asked and he looked to his right. 

”Huh?” he asked, still unable to form any words.

”Donghan's gonna go buy some disinfectant and bandages so we can treat your… Cuts,” Kenta spoke next to him and Taehyun looked down. His thighs looked bad. He had fallen asleep last night before the cuts had stopped bleeding so there was a lot of blood. He then realized Yongguk was rubbing some blood of the floor as well. 

He was startled when he finally realized that all the other members, except Donghan, were there. They all knew what he had done, Taehyun hadn't wanted them to know.

”Wait! No. We don't need any of that, water's just fine. I just need to wipe the blood with water,” Taehyun finally spoke and Kenta shook his head.

”We don't want them to get infected, or start bleeding again,” Kenta reasoned but Taehyun shook his head. Kenta's eyes hardened.

 

”Either you let Donghan go buy the stuff or we're getting our manager here,” Kenta said, he felt like he was being unfair but Taehyun's well-being was their main concern. Taehyun glared at him but didn't say anything.

”I'll go now,” Donghan informed as he popped his head in the bathroom, he had gone to their room to get better clothes and shoes. 

”Don't get spotted,” Kenta mumbled but the maknae was gone already.

-

While waiting for Donghan they didn't make Taehyun talk, he was glad because his thoughts were a mess and he didn't know what to say. They cleaned most of the blood from Taehyun's thighs with water, just to get rid of the mess. Kenta didn't even let Taehyun do that himself but just ordered him to sit as he wiped the blood. Taehyun tried not to move but the sting made him flinch every now and then. Yongguk was talking with him, trying to be a distraction. Kenta had told Sanggyun to go put some clothes on and Hyunbin had gone with him, Taehyun thought that neither of them really liked the sight of him or the blood.

There was a knock on the door and Hyunbin hurried to open it. Taehyun was glad to see Donghan come back, his ass was already numb for having sat on the floor for hours and he just felt stiff all over.

”I ran into our manager on the way back,” Donghan started as he took his shoes and jacket off. ”We have an hour and a half until we have to be ready,” he continued and got in the bathroom with the three others. Hyunbin was standing in the doorway too.

”Okay,” Kenta just replied and took the plastic bag from Donghan. The maknae sat on the toilet lid and watched as Kenta started disinfecting Taehyun's cuts. It stung a lot and Taehyun bit his bottom lip while trying not to move away.

 

When his thighs were all clean and bandaged Yongguk pulled Taehyun up from the floor. He groaned and stretched, too many hours on the floor. He pulled his pajama pants up and followed the others out the bathroom, before turning off the light he looked around, there was no blood or any sign of what he had done. Good.

He dropped on his bed. God, it felt good to lay on something soft. He sighed and looked at his members.

”I'm sorry, uh, about what I did but also that you had to see me like that,” he mostly directed the last part at Sanggyun, who he heard had found him and seemed to be having hard time with the whole thing.

”Do you wanna talk about it?” Kenta asked and sat on the bed as Taehyun pulled himself on a sitting position. He shrugged.

”Nothing much to talk about… I just couldn't sleep last night and something just got into me,” he said, avoiding everyone's gaze. He _himself_ wasn't sure what had happened. It just… Happened.

”Hyung...” Donghan said and he sounded sad and worried.

”I won't do it… Again. I regretted it immediately,” Taehyun spoke and lifted his gaze. They were all looking at him, obviously, with worry clearly written on their faces.

”If you ever feel like it, please, just talk to us. Or if not us just _someone_ ,” Donghan said and Taehyun nodded. He knew if he continued this it would become a problem, but he had been clean for so long and he could do it again. He could stop and not relapse again.

”I'll be okay,” Taehyun said and turned to look at Sanggyun. ”I love you all,” he continued, glancing at the other members before motioning for Sanggyun to come closer. The other got up from his own bed and fell into Taehyun's open arms. Taehyun hugged Sanggyun tightly.

”I'm sorry,” Taehyun whispered to his ear. 

”It's okay, hyung, I was just really shocked. Didn't know what to do,” Sanggyun explained. Taehyun understood, it probably had been a sight. With all the blood and him on the floor. 

”We should get ready,” Taehyun said when he let Sanggyun go. He didn't have time to move because Donghan flung himself at Taehyun. Taehyun laughed when Donghan buried his face in Taehyun's neck. No words were exchanged as Taehyun just hugged Donghan back. Taehyun felt guilty because he knew all of them worried about him.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Leave comments and kudos! :D


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